Best Believe

As the matter of fact, I genuinely don't desire to appear as a hopeless melodramatic damsel but the sentence that I used just now to start this writing already perfectly describe how hopeless and melodramatic I am at the moment, I need a space where I can comfortably release these constellations of vague agitation that almost exceed its capacity, just so I can breath and feel light though  merely temporary. Because deep down I know, it is not that easy and takes time. When human race around give sign of loathe from listening to the same exact old and grey boring story, I decide to write.

It ain't a big deal, I ever experienced kind of obstacles couples times and made it, I know this is the part of the process.

The thing is, I don't want him to be just the part of process, I want him to be the process itself. I don't want him to be a rainbow that comes after the rain and then goes away. I want him to be the sun that's never late to shine on, warming me up and giving me a slight epiphany, evoking my spirit to get through the day. He is superb, best believe.

He is just a normal human being with so many lacks here and there, with a perfect figure, with a long legs, with a cynically pretty smile that I'm dying to see everyday, with a pretty big chest that I long for to hug and wet it with my happy tears one day, with a suitable haircut that I plan to ruffle once in a while next time if he allows me to, with wisdom that he intentionally tuck to the joke or satire coming from his mouth, with a perfect silent sometimes, with I-dont-care-at-all attitude when he's bored, oh well he's just perfectly normal or normally perfect, I have no clue.
All I know, I get too attached to him without even he trying to, I'm just like a bee that is trapped in super extremely knotted spider nest, I try so hard to get out of it but seems improbable.

He's also the one that makes me feel insecure about myself, makes me feel I'm not good enough, makes me question my own integrity. Whereas I used to say it out loud that every woman is beautiful in their unusual way. No, please don't think that he's a jerk. He is totally not, it's just me that adore him too much and over think everything.
He's good guy, best believe.
Ah, have I told you that I love to see him wearing his black jacket? Yes though he looks good on anything he wears, but his black jacket has always been my favorite, and.. hmmh pink scarf that he uses as mask when riding motorcycle hihi.. ah I talk alot I know.

He's the kinda guy who craves comfort. If one can comfort him, he'll love her forever. I'm in desperate need of giving him the kind of comfort he craves but I fail, I don't know how.
I can't be myself around him, I'm awkward, I feel like banging my head to the ice block or jumping into cold river to punish myself for being so stupid, for can't make an interesting or never ending chit chat. I'm such a fool. I hate myself for it.
He can't be himself around me, he usually talks alot and can have a naturally hilarious convo with other girl but when it comes to me, all his words seem to be sucked up by dementors.
Why we can't be normal to each other?
Is it me that moronic? Or he's just reluctant?
How can I ever be his dream girl?

For goodness sake, I try. I try to open this mysterious uptight door, I know I'll end up failing and already tell myself not to be weak and heartbroken in the end. But still I am. I try to be his comfort, to be his perks. I know I fail but I try.
I try to be good by my own. I'm trying my best to do well. I try not to desire him, I try to act normal around him. But the fact, I'm dying inside. I'm just like a walking zombie whose heart being stabbed by knives umpteenth times. It hurts. It does hurt.
It hurts to pretend that you're good while the fact you're not.
It hurts knowing you'll fail eventually but you still have the nerve to try.

So I give him space. I give myself space. In order to see things clearly, so I can have a good sleep on it. It's not like I try to stop loving him, no, I just give him room, so he can be comfortable. Because his comfort is my command. I put his comfort before anything. I give myself space to control this uncontrolled feeling.

There's nothing wrong with giving each other time.. at least I hope so.

He's not bad. He's a good guy. Best believe.

Deprivation

Again.
Today one of my family members went straight to heaven. I still can picture the burial process of Mother perfectly. I do remember the step-by-step and as for today, it's still the same.
The shock, the tears, the disbelief, the prayers, the bath process, the corpse pray ritual, even the cemetery.
Yes, it's my first sister.
I can feel and see the pain right through my family eyes. She's too young to be gone this soon, she'll just turn 38 next august. But it's just like how my Mother passed away, though startling I think I've already known it, when I thought it'd be unbearable, I can bear it when the time has come... it's just the way it is.
All of people here indeed in misery.

I have no idea why this song keeps repeating in my head while writing this, Ebony and Ivory by Stevie Wonder and Dionne Warwick... there's a line that has always been my favorite "..We all know that people are the same wherever we go.
There is good and bad in everyone." ♬♬♬..
That's that.. there is good and bad in everyone..
I fully agree with that phrase.
Even to myself.
There is good and bad in me, I'm not fully a saint or a criminal..
Yes, included my sister..
She's not an angel nor evil.
She had good points and bad points as well.
But I know she's a good person after all.
She loved nagging... at everyone, at me.
And her words could be much sharper than a sword.
Pretty much left some scars in my heart.
Sometimes it hurt me and broke my heart into gazillions pieces.
On the other hand.
She loved cooking.
She loved making good food.
She kept getting us properly feed.
She was so close to God.
She had soft voice while reading holy Qur'an.
Yes she was just a normal human being.

She was really close to father, Father loves her so much, everyone can tell.

For these past two years, after Mother passed away and got married , she had been in agony. She was sick.. she kept it to herself..
Then it revealed.. we knew that at the end.

Hmmm...
My father tried so hard to find a way, to make my sister back on her feet, to make her stand strong safe and sound again. But the disease was too formidable, well aint right to say that.. hm, I know the disease is only the media from God to erase all her sins, Amin.
Moreover, Father didn't have enough money to complete the hospital  payment. So yeah.. you know.

God called her yesterday at 10pm.. it's been 24 hours since the last time she exhaled.
Thank you so much for all the supporters and participants that help either morally or materially. We can never thank you guys enough.
Please pray for my sister.

It's such a good luck, we could find a space for her near Mother's grave. I envy her, she has finally reunited with Mother in heaven. Lol.
I believe, both of them are in the best place by now.

And the end, I just wanna say.
I love you both!
Salam buat mama ya mba, baik-baik disana.
Oh iya salam juga buat Cory Monteith.