2 years ago...

Today is 28 February, which means, it’s been exactly 2 years since the last time Mother took breath and was alive and I’ll be turning 22 in no time. I don’t wanna say such ‘ohh how time flies, I feel like it’s just yesterday’ no, just no! I feel 2 years is like 20 years, a day without Mother is umpteenth times harder than it usually was, so 2 years is not a joke, for God sake.

I still clearly remember that time, the same date as today, Mother was in deep sleep after not getting any sleep for two consecutive days, it seemed the Doctor gave her some sleep pills so she could get some rest. She was panting while sleeping, it looked like it was really hard to take a breath  and it had been 9 hours since she slept, so I think it’s strange, Mother at least needed to eat, drink or pee, sister several times tried to wake her up but Mother didn’t even move even an inch.  We decided to ask the nurses, but they just cynically answered “It’s the effect of the pills, so don’t worry too much” and darted off.

Hours by hours passed by, I couldn’t help but think that Mother probably would be gone soon enough, who wouldn’t think the way I think if you see a person had been suffering stroke for approximately 7-8 years? Mother had not been able to move her left side of body for 7-8 years. No, don’t shake your head, don’t wipe your fake tears, you really have no clue how hurt it was to see Mother like that back then. Yeah that thought summoned up all its power to keep insisting staying in my brain, yet I didn’t want to lose, I called up all my power to chase that thought away.

I naively kept convincing myself that all would be better and Mother would get up, the Doctor showed up, did some discussions with sister and I was commanded to go home and deliver the news to Father that Mother needed to be moved to ICU room. I extremely tried my best to hold back my tears, I acted strong and all and went home immediately. But I cried so hard in public transportation, I didn’t care with people around, I just wanted to cry.

We didn’t have anything that really precious to sell to complete the payment of ICU room, Father had thought to sell the motorcycle and house, hmmm… I couldn’t do anything, I just silently cried. There’s so much considerations yet Mother needed to be executed as soon as possible. Father went to hospital right away… one sister and one brother waited at the hospital, I was left with another sister at home, I just couldn’t hold back my tears and kept saying ‘Ya Allah jangan ambil Mama dulu, jangan ambil Mama dulu’ then sister said ‘Win jangan nangis, doa aja’

One hours passed, Father came back, and sister whispered “Relain Mama ya”.

I.cried.so.hard.

I mean it, I cried. I can’t describe how I cried that time but I cried. The car that brought Mother’s deceased arrived. The moment it arrived, I felt numb. But I kept crying. I thought ‘it’s bound to happen, it’s okay, it really is’. The talk that said ‘Mama udah di tempat yang lebih baik sekarang’ less more helped me through the night, at least Mother no need to face the temporarily cruel world ever again, and because I believed that Mother is an angel that God sent so there’s no indecision that Mother would go straight to heaven, amin.

Mother is the person who always defended me, covered me up, always had the conviction toward me, always had the ability to see right through me, to see the good intentions in me. While another somehow sometimes judge me or even make fun of me. Though by now they have become much better, they can’t be compared to Mother.

The one that never made me feel stabbed or betrayed.

I feel so lonely, yes I have so many siblings. But hmm you don’t know.

If I were going to describe the situation now, I have 2 sisters and 3 brothers, the two sisters finally found their half. They left home. I become the only girl in the house, which means, I’m the slave now. Hahaha nope, not about the amount of work I have to do but doing it all alone without ones who will comfort me is hard, ah I haven’t mentioned all those veiled underestimations and humiliations, make it even harder.

All those veiled underestimations and humiliations are nothing if Mother were still alive. Because if mother said ‘it’s okay’ and I’ll surely be okay. Mother will definitely tell me what to do and won’t let me be ridiculed by those shits. And I couldn’t careless as well if sisters indeed have the plans to leave me behind, as long as Mother with me, I’m okay.

The occurrence today makes me miss Mother even more.

Ahh, I can’t continue writing this, it is too emotional.

Mother, I miss you.

 

 

 

 

Mamanya aja cantik, no wonder anaknya cantik juga. Okesip

 This photo was taken when I was 9, before that illness attacked her, she looked so young and pretty, isn't she pretty? Yeah just like me.

So many people wonder why I'm white while others are black, here I'm telling ya, I got it from Mother!

Eat that! hahaha.

There are soooo much story that I want to tell but, I can't. 

I just wanna say

"Mother, I hope you are doing well, I will try my best to do well too here. Love you, miss you"